Morning Prayers

Good Morning, God.

I thank You for another beautiful day and another opportunity to love my girls, my mom, my friends.

God, I know that I’m not supposed to be overly analytical, but I can’t help that this is the way my brain works. I’m a thinker. I enjoy problem solving and puzzles. Putting clues together to solve mysteries. That’s something I enjoy. It’s who I am.

Last week, let me back up even before then, God, you know how diligently I have been praying about this situation with X since the night we went out for dinner and everything exploded and disintegrated. I don’t think there is a single day that has gone by that I have not said a prayer about or for X.

God, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I love him. I sincerely do. I miss his presence in my life. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again in terms of a “relati8onship” but I miss having him to talk to and to pray with and to be silly … I miss all of those things. I think I am finally at a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin, and I think this allowed me to be completely open and authentic and genuine. Unfortunately, this didn’t work very well in my favor. It did, however, allow me to enjoy our relationship more than I ever have before because I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself, my feelings or my thoughts. It was the first time for me that I have really been able to be that open in a relationship in a long time – really since I was married.

God, You know how greatly I miss him. I miss talking to him. I have attempted to reach out numerous times. Initially I received no response whatsoever. I was completely ignored. In spite of being completely ignored, I felt this heaviness weighing on my heart every day. No matter how much I tried to dismiss, forget and erase, it still weighed on my heart to pray for him.

My prayer all along has been that unless there is a reason that I am supposed to be praying for him (aside from the fact that he is a human being I care about and we all need prayer) that, God, You will heal my heart and help me move on. Help me to heal my heart and move on. That’s all I’ve asked.

Last week I received a pool game request on Facebook. I assumed that it was an accident and that he didn’t deliberately send it or mean to communicate with me. However, because I have this tee-tiny sliver of hope that maybe this is his own way or reaching out to me, I sent a text message letting him know that I am not ignoring his request. I simply don’t know how to play pool. It was great to hear from him. I hope all is well. To my surprise, I received a response to my text message. It wasn’t anything major, but it was a response instead of being completely ignored.

The day after this, I received a “chain letter” forward on Facebook. I don’t normally forward or respond to chain letters, but this one was about You, God, and prayer and blessings, so I decided to pass it along. He was one of the recipients to whom I sent it because I know he believes in You and, at the very least, he wouldn’t be offended by the forward. I got a response to this – a thank you for sending it and a wish for me to have a beautiful day. I extended an invitation for a cup of coffee and conversation. I think I got an ‘okay’. Again, it wasn’t deep or conversational, but it was a response. I was feasting on scraps!

Of course, I don’t hear anything Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday (nor did I anticipate I would). I know that I am most likely not even a thought in his mind, a blip on the radar, but I’ve continued to pray about and for X because he has been on my mind and in my heart.

Yesterday I received another of the game requests on Facebook. Understanding how Facebook works, I understand that when a person sends out a request, that person can click on people’s names, sending out random requests to people on your “friends list.” I’ve played games and sent out requests to other people because it unlocks a level or earns points. It is certainly easy to send a thoughtless request, but I feel sure that the person sending the request is aware of where the request is going.

God, I know I am over-analyzing something that probably means absolutely nothing. Again, I am holding on to the tiniest hope that our relationship might be repaired in some form or fashion. I guess this is what I’m asking … I don’t know if this game request on Facebook is his way of communicating without risking too much. Or is it just a completely random and insignificant technological solicitation?

God, I would really like to find healing. X was quickly becoming my best friend and I miss that. I don’t understand how someone just disposes of another human being like one would rip out a page in a spiral notebook, crumble it up and throw it away.

God, more than anything, more than anything else, I want to follow You. I want You to be the one who is directing my life. I want You to be the one who is leading me. I want You to be the basis of my relationships. I pray that IF this request was a way of reaching out, that You will put the weight of wanting and needing to talk with me on his heart the way he has weighed so heavily on mine. I pray that You will give him the courage to be able to be vulnerable and begin a real conversation. God, if this is a complete fluke and that’s it – if this “relationship” has been dissolved and removed from my life - God, I pray, PLEASE that You will heal my heart and help me to move on. I need healing. I need to completely move on and lay down this heavy onus on my heart. God I put this in Your hands completely. I trust You completely. I simply ask that Your Will be done in my life.

It is in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Bouquet of Roses

I know this sounds completely trivial and silly, but I’m going to share it anyway.

Mother’s Day is this coming Sunday. I know that it is a woman-made, Hallmark kind of holiday, but nonetheless, it exists and millions of people celebrate it so I’m not in the minority when I think of it as a special day. For as long as I can remember I’ve tried to make Mother’s Day a day when my mom feels adored, celebrated and loved.

Obviously, this isn’t the only day of the year when I express my love and gratitude for all of the unconditional love my mom has given me, nor is it the only day of the year when I offer gestures to show my gratitude for the sacrifices and selflessness that have allowed me to be where and who I am today.

As a mom, I desire to be appreciated for the things I do and the mom I am.

Here is the silly part: just once in my life I would love receive a beautiful bouquet of roses, from my husband (when God delivers him), showing appreciation for the mother I am to my children and the unconditional love with which I embrace my daughters.

I love Em and Ella with a love that comes from so deep inside my heart and soul that nothing could ever disrupt it. Loving them isn’t a choice I make. Loving them is simply who I am and what I do. It requires no explanation or justification. I love my girls with every fiber of my being, every teeny-tiny microscopic cell in my body.

While it matters not if they recognize me – I don’t love them for recognition – it would be amazing for another person, an observer of the way I love my daughters, said to himself (and, in turn, to me) “Wow! What an AMAZING woman! What an AMAZING mom! I am blessed beyond words that the Lord has put her into my life, and that she shares even a fraction of that love with me.”   

Words of genuine love and appreciation and a single action such as gifting a beautiful bouquet of roses, would make me feel blissfully happy and adored.

Attention Bargain Shoppers

Love. This tiny word occupies so much time and space in my life. I desire to share it with the people around me and I ache to have it lavished upon me in my personal life.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to fall in love – truly, madly, passionately and deeply – get married, have a family and share my life with someone until death do us part.


My grandparents were married for 64 plus years after having met in 3^rd grade and being high-school sweethearts. Theirs was the only example of marriage I had growing up. My mom has been a single parent the majority of my life; when I was three, my parents’ marriage ended and I only saw my dad about once a year (this is another entry entirely).


While I have always had and am grateful for the unconditional and unfailing love of my Heavenly Father, I have always craved the affection of men (and I don’t mean this in a sexual way). I have always wanted to have a husband who would love me unconditionally, who I could love unconditionally and together we would share a partnership throughout our lives.


So far, I haven’t made stellar choices in my life when it comes to relationships. It isn’t that I chose bad men; but I made my choices from places of fear instead of being secure in the faith that if I trusted God, he would put the right person in my life.
At those times in my life, my faith was not in the same place it has been over the last couple of years. I hope and pray that by letting go I am allowing God to make that choice for me – allowing God to put love into my life. It is my hope that God already has in mind the man for me to love and be loved by in return for eternity.


I’m human and part of my humanity makes me impatient, I think, when measured by God’s standards. My hope wanes and there are days when I feel like it dries up like an earthworm baked on the cement after a rain storm is over and the sun has come out to dry up the excess puddles.  Sometimes I think I have messed up too much already and made too many mistakes for there to ever be any hope of love in my life now.  


I compare myself, more often than I should, to the dented soup can in the bin at the discount grocery store – the one that doesn’t even have a label on it anymore so the shopper has no idea what the contents might be or if the thing is expired. What savvy grocery shopper is going to give that dented tin cylinder a second glance, much less pick it up, put it in his cart, hold up the line while the grocery clerk calls the manager for a price check, and then purchase it and take it home?


How much more patience must I have? Am I placing my hope in an idea that is completely impossible?


Each passing day turns into a week, a month and then a year. Looking into the mirror, I know I am getting older – I have gray hair and am developing tiny lines around my eyes and my mouth. Laugh lines is what I think they’re called, but why they developed isn’t nearly as important to someone as the fact that they are there to stay.


I pray on almost a daily basis that God will put ‘the one’ into my life, so each day I begin with the hope that maybe today is the day it will happen. Sometimes it is hard to be hopeful when nothing in a particular area appears to change.


It’s like trying to lose weight. I go to the gym and work out three to five times a week depending on my schedule. I monitor what I eat – looking for more opportunities to add fresh fruits and vegetables – try to drink more water and so on. When weighing myself recently, I saw a change. I have something measurable and tangible allowing me to see progress; this in turn affirms my hope and faith in hard work paying off.
With love it is a different experience. I don’t doubt God, but I don’t see progress either. I’ve not met anyone interesting nor has anyone remotely expressed any interest in me. There is no measurable progress with the exception that I continue to pray and have faith regardless.  I am making a diligent effort to walk by faith instead of by sight.


But I am human and there are days when I feel like a dented soup can that no one is ever going to want to take home.  Thankfully tomorrow is another day, and, God willing, I will wake up with my hope and faith renewed. 

Morning Prayers

Good Morning, God.

I thank You for another wonderful morning. Em and Ella were such troopers getting up and getting ready for school without any of the it’s-Monday-fuss-and-muss. We were all able to get to where we needed to be on time. God, I thank You for those seamless transitions this morning.

God, please be with Emerson and Ella today. Please watch over them. With everything that has been going on at school lately, the name calling and negativity, I pray that in all of this, You will help Em and Ella to show kindness towards others even if those children don’t always direct kindness toward them.

God, I pray that you will please keep them out of the drama and nonsense and help them to focus on the reason they are at school and that is to learn and soak up knowledge like the little sponges they are.

God, You know I went to sleep feeling kind of sad last night. I was having a hard time formulating my thoughts and prayers in my head because they were all jumbled up. The minute I would begin to pray about one thing my mind would get distracted by another thought. I dislike when that happens. Please know my wandering mind is not indicative of a lack of desire to communicate with You, nor is it meant as any form of disrespect on my part. Sometimes my brain goes haywire with thoughts and then my train of thinking is hard to redirect.

God, this whole thing with X is still weighing very heavily on my heart. I don’t know if it is weighing there so heavily because You want me to continue to pray about X or for X. Are the thoughts a means of developing my prayer life because I feel the need to pray about something that is weighing on me so heavily? Or is the humanness of my heart and mind having a hard time letting go? It is difficult.

Now that it is warm and springish-summerish weather, I’m wearing more warm weather clothing. I’m not all bundled up for winter. Of course, people ask about the tattoo on my arm. I had three people ask about it this weekend (not that I need to tell You. Duh! You were there). People ask “where did you get it done?” Well….I used to get it done at ----- but I don’t go there anymore. “The piece is beautiful, why don’t you go there anymore?” Well….that’s kind of a long story. I’m not allowed to go there anymore? “What?!?! Why can’t you go there anymore?!?!” The whole thing is so ridiculous!

God, I wish that there were - if I could wave a magic wand or if I could order up a wish, a prayer, like the Zoltan machine from the movie Big, I would like for, I would pray for my phone to ring, and when I answer his voice would be on the other end asking if we could have coffee and talk. I really miss our friendship and I think what hurts the most is the complete apathy and indifference that exists where there were once professions of eternal love. I simply don’t understand how a person can love somebody one minute and then flip a switch so the person once loved doesn’t even exist anymore.

There is so much history and so many years of building friendship and relationship. I don’t know how to flip a switch and turn all of that off. God, I wish I could. I wish I knew how to do that. I wish I could just completely forget about X or that I ever knew him; that seems to be working well for him. I, on the other hand, am having a difficult time doing this.

I’m sure he doesn’t spend all the time that I spend feeling badly about the way things are, feeling sad about the way things are or praying that things were different. God, I’m grateful You didn’t make my heart like this, but I also ask that You will please heal my heart.

God if it is by Your divine design that this persona and this friendship is no longer part of my life, God I pray that You will please heal the sadness that exists – that You will take it away – remove it – remove any thought about it – like a surgeon cutting out cancerous tissue.

God, as You know, I have been praying for opportunities and the door cracked open ever so slightly last week. God I was and continue to be thankful for this answer to prayer. I don’t believe it is coincidence because I know You have Your hand in everything, especially when I am seeking Your wisdom and direction. Still, I don’t know what the brief exchange of ‘conversation’ meant, and as much as my mind tends to analyze and dissect – look at each tiny piece and try to put the puzzle together – I know it isn’t up to me to do this. God, you are making the finished product – the stunning masterpiece – not me.

God if You are putting this on my heart, if I am meant to be praying about it, please guide my prayers because I don’t even know what to pray for. I pray for him. I pray for open-mindedness and his willingness to consider an alternative perspective. I pray for his giving up of control of everything.

The bottom line is this, God: I miss my friend but I don’t think my friend misses me and that really hurts.

God, I pray that you will please heal this hurt in my heart. I ask that You will take away the heaviness that is weighing on me. I don’t know why it is there. I ask that You will please be with X. Bless him. I ask that You will continue to be with him as he seeks You – that You will continue to work in his life and in his heart. I pray that You will watch over him and that he will feel Your peace, Your presence and feel like he is being blanketed in Your unconditional love.

God please guide me through my day. Help me to behave in a manner that is pleasing to You and to speak in a manner that is pleasing to You. I pray that You will help me be aware of opportunities today where I can help others and where I can be of service to You.

In Christ’s precious name I pray. Amen. 

Chatter in the Cafetorium

There have been some interesting topics of conversation among the 5^th graders in the Forest Acres Cafetorium this week.

Please understand that I take what Emerson reports with a grain of salt knowing that my girl has a penchant for drama. I’ve learned that sometimes, some stories can be exaggerated or embellished for effect when telling the story.

Ella always seems to corroborate Em’s reports, but I can’t always discern if Ella has actually been there for the event in questions or if Em has filed her in on the details while they are waiting in the afterschool carpool pick-up parade.

It’s funny how much the girls’ school reminds me of my own elementary school experience. North Beach Elementary, my home for kindergarten through 6^th grade, was home to Miami Beach’s wealthy elites and then you had the rest of us who were middle-class or below and whose parents worked and most likely lived pay-check to pay-check trying to survive life on and in Miami Beach. 

Em has been filled with information this week. Some of the details and events trickle back to a class Quest trip she took to Washington, DC a few weeks ago, and I mention them because they establish a pattern.

Let me back track here: Emerson currently has bleach-blond and light-blue streaks in her naturally golden brown hair. This is the reward she chose for bringing home a report card in which she earned all A Honor Roll.

For the last few months, Em’s parental units, myself leading the team, have allowed her to put a few chunky highlights of color in her hair. She started with a beautiful turquoise blue; then she went for a midnight purple, followed by a Florida-retirement-community-orange-red (not my favorite) and what she currently has going on now.

On the DC trip, Em roomed with a classmate that she has formed a friendship with just this year. She slept over at our home once and I have met her mother maybe twice. According to Emerson, several comments were made about her hair during the trip. The comments were not critical or hurtful, but they were unnecessary in that we don’t have that kind of close relationship with this family. Per Em, the girl’s mom said that she would not be allowed to have her hair colored like that at Getty’s Middle next year; that Emerson was going to have to dye her hair all one color before she starts 6^th grade; and, lastly, that Em was going to fry her hair with all the bleach products required to dye it the colors it is now.

I’m not certain what the dress code is at Getty’s Middle, but it is something I am capable of researching. If Em isn’t allowed to have “unnatural” color in her hair, then she will not be allowed to have it colored. I hadn’t thought about the damaging effects of the bleach until about a week prior to her DC trip. When I did, I told Em that this was going to be her last color job for the summer so her hair could have time to absorb the shock and we could really take care of it and heal some of the ‘damage’ if possible.

Here’s the funny thing, this little girl is no longer speaking to Emerson after this DC trip. I’ve grilled Em about anything she could have said or done that would be construed as offensive, rude or disrespectful, and she couldn’t think of a thing. She swears she minded her manners, said please and thank you and behaved appropriately. What bothers me in any of this is that Emerson’s feelings are hurt because this little girl is no longer associating with her when, two months ago she spent the night at our home and they started wearing “Best Friend” necklaces.

While I am more than willing to own the possibility that I might be completely wrong, at present I can only assume that Em is getting the cold shoulder because her friend’s mom didn’t approve of Em’s hair or my parenting choice to allow Em to express herself in this manner.

I also don’t care too much about what other people think; what I care about is that Em’s feelings have been hurt.

Some of the other children have asked Emerson about or made comments related to my tattoos: “Don’t you think it’s weird that you mom has all those tattoos?” or “I think it’s weird that your mom has all those tattoos.” Emerson’s response has been “I like my mom’s tattoos.”

It hurts to be judged by parents and children who don’t know me, but I have gotten to the point in my life where my thought is “if people don’t like me or the tattoos on my body, they don’t have to look at them or associate with me.”

As Em and Ella’s mom, I don’t want to be selfish or do anything that makes them uncomfortable. I’ve asked Em and Ella if they would prefer that I cover the tattoos I have when I go to the school. I am more than happy to do this for them. Both of my daughters have said we love you the way you are and we like your tattoos.

It is absurd that either of my daughters should be treated differently or ostracized because of aesthetic choices I have made. I’m sure if I got a breast augmentation or a booty-lift no one would complain about those enhancements. It all goes back to making judgments about people without taking the time to get to know who they are as people on the inside where it counts. Bottom Line: this is the antithesis to treating others with kindness.

And while it might seem that this story is about me, it isn’t really about me at all – it is about the hundreds of other people walking around in our community who might look different that the Smithfield and Middle Creek norm. Being different isn’t bad. It is simply different.

Here is the real kicker and what made the rest of the pettiness I’ve described make perfect sense.

After queries about whether people’s parents were democrats or republicans, whether or not they voted for Obama, one child offered this opinion about illegal immigration according to Em: “we shouldn’t let all these Mexicans in our country because we are paying all their taxes. We should have people in Texas who shoot them when they try to come here.” 

What happened to treating others with kindness? What happened to judge not lest ye be judged? What happened to trying to understand another human being’s plight and trying to help him or her because that is the decent thing to do? We just shoot people because they are different? Marginal others who don’t belong here? Who don’t deserve the opportunity to make better lives for themselves or their families? Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we eradicated everything that was different?

Judgment and hatred start at home and spews into our lunch rooms, work places, gyms and churches. The only cure I know for this is love – to treat one another with the kindness and love with which we would like to be treated. It is as simple as this .... from Romans 12:9-21:

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Indifference

“’George Bernard Shaw once said that our …worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be INDIFFERENT to them.’ Most of us don’t walk around harboring strong negative emotions such as loathing or rage. Yet, the challenge for many is to overcome the apathy and indifference we have toward one another: to be available and attentive to those we pass in the aisles at the market, the coworkers we see daily in the hallways of our offices and those acquaintances we regularly notice in our social and (or) spiritual circles.”

Something to think about … how am I, how are you, how are we treating those people around us? The people we don’t know, and perhaps even worse, the people we do know.

Morning Prayers

God, today is one of those days where I really need your blessings poured down upon me like a torrential rainstorm. God I come to you with open hands and an open heart prepared to receive those blessings, scoop them up and swim in them.

The truth is, really, that I have nothing to complain about.

God, please help me help Eleanor. I love that little girl so much, and I just wish that I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for her. I wish that there could be something about school that she likes. God, I pray that you will help me to better understand and relate to her. I always loved school. Of course, there were things about school I didn’t like. I got picked on and bullied, which was emotionally scarring. But I enjoyed the academic part of school. I liked my binders and my papers and being organized, so I don’t understand her vehement loathing of school. God, you have blessed her with a very intelligent brain; I’m so thankful for this. She has amazing creativity and artistic ability.

God, I am so ready for fourth grade to be over that I can hardly tell You how much I am looking forward to the end of this year and starting fifth grade with a clean slate. Sometimes I get so worn down from the battles with homework and having to go to school. It doesn’t help that there are teachers, like Mrs. ___ , who don’t understand the variety of ways ADHD presents itself and impacts young girls or that there are other children who aren’t always nice to her. I guess I can understand why she doesn’t want to go to school, but life is about doing all sorts of things we don’t want to do and school is one of those things.

God I pray that you will please provide me with the knowledge and the wisdom I need to help Ella work through these difficulties with school, so that she can find happiness and enjoyment in her days, and so that she can be successful, because I know she is more than capable.

God I know that Em isn’t feeling well today. I ask that you will please be with her and help her get through testing this morning until I can leave work to pick her up. I dislike sending her to school when she doesn’t feel well, but she is worried about missing testing and I can’t lose my job because of taking too much sick time.

God I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life. After reading this morning’s devotional which discussed rejoicing in our needs because it draws us closer to You … God I pray that you will help me to do this. I don’t know that I always know how to do this. I know how to ask for things that I need. I know how to worry about things that I need. But I’m not entirely sure that I know how to rejoice in the things that I need. Intellectually I can understand that having a need and praying about that need draws me closer to You, but this week has seemed especially difficult. I find it difficult to rejoice in my need when I feel yucky.

I am fairly certain that I have allergies after my less than extensive research on Google. I’m starting to think that this is not a lingering cold but allergies related to all of the pollen. I have never had allergies before in my life. Growing up in Miami where we had less dramatic seasonal changes, I never had allergies. Apparently we have an extremely high pollen count this spring (God, I don’t really understand how they figure all that out). I went to the Bee Store in Pickens yesterday after friends and co-workers suggested eating a spoon full of local honey every day, but then I read, on WebMD via Google, that the honey remedy doesn’t really work.

The point of all my rambling, God, is that I started out this week in such a positive frame of mind with so many things I wanted to work on, so many things I had intentions of accomplishing, but I have felt so awful that I don’t have the extra energy to do anything beyond going to work every day and coming home to take care of the most minimal of necessities. We’ve had volleyball games on top of that and that eats up huge chunks of time in the evenings, so I feel as though I have gotten nothing accomplished. I feel sluggish and I dislike that feeling immensely.

God, I really need energy and to feel better. I pray that whatever is going on with my sinuses and all this congestion in my head that You will please heal my body so that I can begin feeling like I have some get up and go. I have too much to do to feel yucky.

God, I think I also tend to worry that when things are going well (this is terrible), I worry that when things are going well that something awful must be about to happen because life can’t possibly be going this smoothly for such a consistent period of time. Isn’t that terrible? God, I’m sorry for thinking and feeling this way – for worrying about things that haven’t even happened. God I pray that you will help me learn to relax, for lack of a better word, and to really enjoy the blessings that you have given me and that you continue to give me, without being worried that the other shoe is going to drop.

God, I still have things that need to be worked on – wounded places in my heart that need mending – and I pray that You will help me to do this so that I can thoroughly and completely enjoy this life that You have given me. God, I am truly so thankful and I feel like thanks isn’t even enough to express how grateful I am for everything that You are doing in my life.

God I ask that You will please guide me through this day and make me aware of opportunities where I can serve You, where I can give back, where I can share Your love and blessings with others.

God I thank You so much for my two amazing daughters and I pray that You will help me to be absolutely the best mom I can be for them, so that they always know that they are treasured and valued beyond what they can imagine. God I thank You for treasuring and valuing me in a way that I can’t even comprehend. Thank you for being my guide through this day.

In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.