Morning Prayers

Good Morning, God.

I thank You for another beautiful day and another opportunity to love my girls, my mom, my friends.

God, I know that I’m not supposed to be overly analytical, but I can’t help that this is the way my brain works. I’m a thinker. I enjoy problem solving and puzzles. Putting clues together to solve mysteries. That’s something I enjoy. It’s who I am.

Last week, let me back up even before then, God, you know how diligently I have been praying about this situation with X since the night we went out for dinner and everything exploded and disintegrated. I don’t think there is a single day that has gone by that I have not said a prayer about or for X.

God, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I love him. I sincerely do. I miss his presence in my life. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again in terms of a “relati8onship” but I miss having him to talk to and to pray with and to be silly … I miss all of those things. I think I am finally at a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin, and I think this allowed me to be completely open and authentic and genuine. Unfortunately, this didn’t work very well in my favor. It did, however, allow me to enjoy our relationship more than I ever have before because I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself, my feelings or my thoughts. It was the first time for me that I have really been able to be that open in a relationship in a long time – really since I was married.

God, You know how greatly I miss him. I miss talking to him. I have attempted to reach out numerous times. Initially I received no response whatsoever. I was completely ignored. In spite of being completely ignored, I felt this heaviness weighing on my heart every day. No matter how much I tried to dismiss, forget and erase, it still weighed on my heart to pray for him.

My prayer all along has been that unless there is a reason that I am supposed to be praying for him (aside from the fact that he is a human being I care about and we all need prayer) that, God, You will heal my heart and help me move on. Help me to heal my heart and move on. That’s all I’ve asked.

Last week I received a pool game request on Facebook. I assumed that it was an accident and that he didn’t deliberately send it or mean to communicate with me. However, because I have this tee-tiny sliver of hope that maybe this is his own way or reaching out to me, I sent a text message letting him know that I am not ignoring his request. I simply don’t know how to play pool. It was great to hear from him. I hope all is well. To my surprise, I received a response to my text message. It wasn’t anything major, but it was a response instead of being completely ignored.

The day after this, I received a “chain letter” forward on Facebook. I don’t normally forward or respond to chain letters, but this one was about You, God, and prayer and blessings, so I decided to pass it along. He was one of the recipients to whom I sent it because I know he believes in You and, at the very least, he wouldn’t be offended by the forward. I got a response to this – a thank you for sending it and a wish for me to have a beautiful day. I extended an invitation for a cup of coffee and conversation. I think I got an ‘okay’. Again, it wasn’t deep or conversational, but it was a response. I was feasting on scraps!

Of course, I don’t hear anything Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday (nor did I anticipate I would). I know that I am most likely not even a thought in his mind, a blip on the radar, but I’ve continued to pray about and for X because he has been on my mind and in my heart.

Yesterday I received another of the game requests on Facebook. Understanding how Facebook works, I understand that when a person sends out a request, that person can click on people’s names, sending out random requests to people on your “friends list.” I’ve played games and sent out requests to other people because it unlocks a level or earns points. It is certainly easy to send a thoughtless request, but I feel sure that the person sending the request is aware of where the request is going.

God, I know I am over-analyzing something that probably means absolutely nothing. Again, I am holding on to the tiniest hope that our relationship might be repaired in some form or fashion. I guess this is what I’m asking … I don’t know if this game request on Facebook is his way of communicating without risking too much. Or is it just a completely random and insignificant technological solicitation?

God, I would really like to find healing. X was quickly becoming my best friend and I miss that. I don’t understand how someone just disposes of another human being like one would rip out a page in a spiral notebook, crumble it up and throw it away.

God, more than anything, more than anything else, I want to follow You. I want You to be the one who is directing my life. I want You to be the one who is leading me. I want You to be the basis of my relationships. I pray that IF this request was a way of reaching out, that You will put the weight of wanting and needing to talk with me on his heart the way he has weighed so heavily on mine. I pray that You will give him the courage to be able to be vulnerable and begin a real conversation. God, if this is a complete fluke and that’s it – if this “relationship” has been dissolved and removed from my life - God, I pray, PLEASE that You will heal my heart and help me to move on. I need healing. I need to completely move on and lay down this heavy onus on my heart. God I put this in Your hands completely. I trust You completely. I simply ask that Your Will be done in my life.

It is in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.