Morning Prayers

Good Morning, God.

I thank You for another beautiful day and another opportunity to love my girls, my mom, my friends.

God, I know that I’m not supposed to be overly analytical, but I can’t help that this is the way my brain works. I’m a thinker. I enjoy problem solving and puzzles. Putting clues together to solve mysteries. That’s something I enjoy. It’s who I am.

Last week, let me back up even before then, God, you know how diligently I have been praying about this situation with X since the night we went out for dinner and everything exploded and disintegrated. I don’t think there is a single day that has gone by that I have not said a prayer about or for X.

God, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I love him. I sincerely do. I miss his presence in my life. I don’t know if I could ever trust him again in terms of a “relati8onship” but I miss having him to talk to and to pray with and to be silly … I miss all of those things. I think I am finally at a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin, and I think this allowed me to be completely open and authentic and genuine. Unfortunately, this didn’t work very well in my favor. It did, however, allow me to enjoy our relationship more than I ever have before because I didn’t feel like I had to censor myself, my feelings or my thoughts. It was the first time for me that I have really been able to be that open in a relationship in a long time – really since I was married.

God, You know how greatly I miss him. I miss talking to him. I have attempted to reach out numerous times. Initially I received no response whatsoever. I was completely ignored. In spite of being completely ignored, I felt this heaviness weighing on my heart every day. No matter how much I tried to dismiss, forget and erase, it still weighed on my heart to pray for him.

My prayer all along has been that unless there is a reason that I am supposed to be praying for him (aside from the fact that he is a human being I care about and we all need prayer) that, God, You will heal my heart and help me move on. Help me to heal my heart and move on. That’s all I’ve asked.

Last week I received a pool game request on Facebook. I assumed that it was an accident and that he didn’t deliberately send it or mean to communicate with me. However, because I have this tee-tiny sliver of hope that maybe this is his own way or reaching out to me, I sent a text message letting him know that I am not ignoring his request. I simply don’t know how to play pool. It was great to hear from him. I hope all is well. To my surprise, I received a response to my text message. It wasn’t anything major, but it was a response instead of being completely ignored.

The day after this, I received a “chain letter” forward on Facebook. I don’t normally forward or respond to chain letters, but this one was about You, God, and prayer and blessings, so I decided to pass it along. He was one of the recipients to whom I sent it because I know he believes in You and, at the very least, he wouldn’t be offended by the forward. I got a response to this – a thank you for sending it and a wish for me to have a beautiful day. I extended an invitation for a cup of coffee and conversation. I think I got an ‘okay’. Again, it wasn’t deep or conversational, but it was a response. I was feasting on scraps!

Of course, I don’t hear anything Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday (nor did I anticipate I would). I know that I am most likely not even a thought in his mind, a blip on the radar, but I’ve continued to pray about and for X because he has been on my mind and in my heart.

Yesterday I received another of the game requests on Facebook. Understanding how Facebook works, I understand that when a person sends out a request, that person can click on people’s names, sending out random requests to people on your “friends list.” I’ve played games and sent out requests to other people because it unlocks a level or earns points. It is certainly easy to send a thoughtless request, but I feel sure that the person sending the request is aware of where the request is going.

God, I know I am over-analyzing something that probably means absolutely nothing. Again, I am holding on to the tiniest hope that our relationship might be repaired in some form or fashion. I guess this is what I’m asking … I don’t know if this game request on Facebook is his way of communicating without risking too much. Or is it just a completely random and insignificant technological solicitation?

God, I would really like to find healing. X was quickly becoming my best friend and I miss that. I don’t understand how someone just disposes of another human being like one would rip out a page in a spiral notebook, crumble it up and throw it away.

God, more than anything, more than anything else, I want to follow You. I want You to be the one who is directing my life. I want You to be the one who is leading me. I want You to be the basis of my relationships. I pray that IF this request was a way of reaching out, that You will put the weight of wanting and needing to talk with me on his heart the way he has weighed so heavily on mine. I pray that You will give him the courage to be able to be vulnerable and begin a real conversation. God, if this is a complete fluke and that’s it – if this “relationship” has been dissolved and removed from my life - God, I pray, PLEASE that You will heal my heart and help me to move on. I need healing. I need to completely move on and lay down this heavy onus on my heart. God I put this in Your hands completely. I trust You completely. I simply ask that Your Will be done in my life.

It is in Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Bouquet of Roses

I know this sounds completely trivial and silly, but I’m going to share it anyway.

Mother’s Day is this coming Sunday. I know that it is a woman-made, Hallmark kind of holiday, but nonetheless, it exists and millions of people celebrate it so I’m not in the minority when I think of it as a special day. For as long as I can remember I’ve tried to make Mother’s Day a day when my mom feels adored, celebrated and loved.

Obviously, this isn’t the only day of the year when I express my love and gratitude for all of the unconditional love my mom has given me, nor is it the only day of the year when I offer gestures to show my gratitude for the sacrifices and selflessness that have allowed me to be where and who I am today.

As a mom, I desire to be appreciated for the things I do and the mom I am.

Here is the silly part: just once in my life I would love receive a beautiful bouquet of roses, from my husband (when God delivers him), showing appreciation for the mother I am to my children and the unconditional love with which I embrace my daughters.

I love Em and Ella with a love that comes from so deep inside my heart and soul that nothing could ever disrupt it. Loving them isn’t a choice I make. Loving them is simply who I am and what I do. It requires no explanation or justification. I love my girls with every fiber of my being, every teeny-tiny microscopic cell in my body.

While it matters not if they recognize me – I don’t love them for recognition – it would be amazing for another person, an observer of the way I love my daughters, said to himself (and, in turn, to me) “Wow! What an AMAZING woman! What an AMAZING mom! I am blessed beyond words that the Lord has put her into my life, and that she shares even a fraction of that love with me.”   

Words of genuine love and appreciation and a single action such as gifting a beautiful bouquet of roses, would make me feel blissfully happy and adored.

Attention Bargain Shoppers

Love. This tiny word occupies so much time and space in my life. I desire to share it with the people around me and I ache to have it lavished upon me in my personal life.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to fall in love – truly, madly, passionately and deeply – get married, have a family and share my life with someone until death do us part.


My grandparents were married for 64 plus years after having met in 3^rd grade and being high-school sweethearts. Theirs was the only example of marriage I had growing up. My mom has been a single parent the majority of my life; when I was three, my parents’ marriage ended and I only saw my dad about once a year (this is another entry entirely).


While I have always had and am grateful for the unconditional and unfailing love of my Heavenly Father, I have always craved the affection of men (and I don’t mean this in a sexual way). I have always wanted to have a husband who would love me unconditionally, who I could love unconditionally and together we would share a partnership throughout our lives.


So far, I haven’t made stellar choices in my life when it comes to relationships. It isn’t that I chose bad men; but I made my choices from places of fear instead of being secure in the faith that if I trusted God, he would put the right person in my life.
At those times in my life, my faith was not in the same place it has been over the last couple of years. I hope and pray that by letting go I am allowing God to make that choice for me – allowing God to put love into my life. It is my hope that God already has in mind the man for me to love and be loved by in return for eternity.


I’m human and part of my humanity makes me impatient, I think, when measured by God’s standards. My hope wanes and there are days when I feel like it dries up like an earthworm baked on the cement after a rain storm is over and the sun has come out to dry up the excess puddles.  Sometimes I think I have messed up too much already and made too many mistakes for there to ever be any hope of love in my life now.  


I compare myself, more often than I should, to the dented soup can in the bin at the discount grocery store – the one that doesn’t even have a label on it anymore so the shopper has no idea what the contents might be or if the thing is expired. What savvy grocery shopper is going to give that dented tin cylinder a second glance, much less pick it up, put it in his cart, hold up the line while the grocery clerk calls the manager for a price check, and then purchase it and take it home?


How much more patience must I have? Am I placing my hope in an idea that is completely impossible?


Each passing day turns into a week, a month and then a year. Looking into the mirror, I know I am getting older – I have gray hair and am developing tiny lines around my eyes and my mouth. Laugh lines is what I think they’re called, but why they developed isn’t nearly as important to someone as the fact that they are there to stay.


I pray on almost a daily basis that God will put ‘the one’ into my life, so each day I begin with the hope that maybe today is the day it will happen. Sometimes it is hard to be hopeful when nothing in a particular area appears to change.


It’s like trying to lose weight. I go to the gym and work out three to five times a week depending on my schedule. I monitor what I eat – looking for more opportunities to add fresh fruits and vegetables – try to drink more water and so on. When weighing myself recently, I saw a change. I have something measurable and tangible allowing me to see progress; this in turn affirms my hope and faith in hard work paying off.
With love it is a different experience. I don’t doubt God, but I don’t see progress either. I’ve not met anyone interesting nor has anyone remotely expressed any interest in me. There is no measurable progress with the exception that I continue to pray and have faith regardless.  I am making a diligent effort to walk by faith instead of by sight.


But I am human and there are days when I feel like a dented soup can that no one is ever going to want to take home.  Thankfully tomorrow is another day, and, God willing, I will wake up with my hope and faith renewed. 

Morning Prayers

Good Morning, God.

I thank You for another wonderful morning. Em and Ella were such troopers getting up and getting ready for school without any of the it’s-Monday-fuss-and-muss. We were all able to get to where we needed to be on time. God, I thank You for those seamless transitions this morning.

God, please be with Emerson and Ella today. Please watch over them. With everything that has been going on at school lately, the name calling and negativity, I pray that in all of this, You will help Em and Ella to show kindness towards others even if those children don’t always direct kindness toward them.

God, I pray that you will please keep them out of the drama and nonsense and help them to focus on the reason they are at school and that is to learn and soak up knowledge like the little sponges they are.

God, You know I went to sleep feeling kind of sad last night. I was having a hard time formulating my thoughts and prayers in my head because they were all jumbled up. The minute I would begin to pray about one thing my mind would get distracted by another thought. I dislike when that happens. Please know my wandering mind is not indicative of a lack of desire to communicate with You, nor is it meant as any form of disrespect on my part. Sometimes my brain goes haywire with thoughts and then my train of thinking is hard to redirect.

God, this whole thing with X is still weighing very heavily on my heart. I don’t know if it is weighing there so heavily because You want me to continue to pray about X or for X. Are the thoughts a means of developing my prayer life because I feel the need to pray about something that is weighing on me so heavily? Or is the humanness of my heart and mind having a hard time letting go? It is difficult.

Now that it is warm and springish-summerish weather, I’m wearing more warm weather clothing. I’m not all bundled up for winter. Of course, people ask about the tattoo on my arm. I had three people ask about it this weekend (not that I need to tell You. Duh! You were there). People ask “where did you get it done?” Well….I used to get it done at ----- but I don’t go there anymore. “The piece is beautiful, why don’t you go there anymore?” Well….that’s kind of a long story. I’m not allowed to go there anymore? “What?!?! Why can’t you go there anymore?!?!” The whole thing is so ridiculous!

God, I wish that there were - if I could wave a magic wand or if I could order up a wish, a prayer, like the Zoltan machine from the movie Big, I would like for, I would pray for my phone to ring, and when I answer his voice would be on the other end asking if we could have coffee and talk. I really miss our friendship and I think what hurts the most is the complete apathy and indifference that exists where there were once professions of eternal love. I simply don’t understand how a person can love somebody one minute and then flip a switch so the person once loved doesn’t even exist anymore.

There is so much history and so many years of building friendship and relationship. I don’t know how to flip a switch and turn all of that off. God, I wish I could. I wish I knew how to do that. I wish I could just completely forget about X or that I ever knew him; that seems to be working well for him. I, on the other hand, am having a difficult time doing this.

I’m sure he doesn’t spend all the time that I spend feeling badly about the way things are, feeling sad about the way things are or praying that things were different. God, I’m grateful You didn’t make my heart like this, but I also ask that You will please heal my heart.

God if it is by Your divine design that this persona and this friendship is no longer part of my life, God I pray that You will please heal the sadness that exists – that You will take it away – remove it – remove any thought about it – like a surgeon cutting out cancerous tissue.

God, as You know, I have been praying for opportunities and the door cracked open ever so slightly last week. God I was and continue to be thankful for this answer to prayer. I don’t believe it is coincidence because I know You have Your hand in everything, especially when I am seeking Your wisdom and direction. Still, I don’t know what the brief exchange of ‘conversation’ meant, and as much as my mind tends to analyze and dissect – look at each tiny piece and try to put the puzzle together – I know it isn’t up to me to do this. God, you are making the finished product – the stunning masterpiece – not me.

God if You are putting this on my heart, if I am meant to be praying about it, please guide my prayers because I don’t even know what to pray for. I pray for him. I pray for open-mindedness and his willingness to consider an alternative perspective. I pray for his giving up of control of everything.

The bottom line is this, God: I miss my friend but I don’t think my friend misses me and that really hurts.

God, I pray that you will please heal this hurt in my heart. I ask that You will take away the heaviness that is weighing on me. I don’t know why it is there. I ask that You will please be with X. Bless him. I ask that You will continue to be with him as he seeks You – that You will continue to work in his life and in his heart. I pray that You will watch over him and that he will feel Your peace, Your presence and feel like he is being blanketed in Your unconditional love.

God please guide me through my day. Help me to behave in a manner that is pleasing to You and to speak in a manner that is pleasing to You. I pray that You will help me be aware of opportunities today where I can help others and where I can be of service to You.

In Christ’s precious name I pray. Amen. 

Chatter in the Cafetorium

There have been some interesting topics of conversation among the 5^th graders in the Forest Acres Cafetorium this week.

Please understand that I take what Emerson reports with a grain of salt knowing that my girl has a penchant for drama. I’ve learned that sometimes, some stories can be exaggerated or embellished for effect when telling the story.

Ella always seems to corroborate Em’s reports, but I can’t always discern if Ella has actually been there for the event in questions or if Em has filed her in on the details while they are waiting in the afterschool carpool pick-up parade.

It’s funny how much the girls’ school reminds me of my own elementary school experience. North Beach Elementary, my home for kindergarten through 6^th grade, was home to Miami Beach’s wealthy elites and then you had the rest of us who were middle-class or below and whose parents worked and most likely lived pay-check to pay-check trying to survive life on and in Miami Beach. 

Em has been filled with information this week. Some of the details and events trickle back to a class Quest trip she took to Washington, DC a few weeks ago, and I mention them because they establish a pattern.

Let me back track here: Emerson currently has bleach-blond and light-blue streaks in her naturally golden brown hair. This is the reward she chose for bringing home a report card in which she earned all A Honor Roll.

For the last few months, Em’s parental units, myself leading the team, have allowed her to put a few chunky highlights of color in her hair. She started with a beautiful turquoise blue; then she went for a midnight purple, followed by a Florida-retirement-community-orange-red (not my favorite) and what she currently has going on now.

On the DC trip, Em roomed with a classmate that she has formed a friendship with just this year. She slept over at our home once and I have met her mother maybe twice. According to Emerson, several comments were made about her hair during the trip. The comments were not critical or hurtful, but they were unnecessary in that we don’t have that kind of close relationship with this family. Per Em, the girl’s mom said that she would not be allowed to have her hair colored like that at Getty’s Middle next year; that Emerson was going to have to dye her hair all one color before she starts 6^th grade; and, lastly, that Em was going to fry her hair with all the bleach products required to dye it the colors it is now.

I’m not certain what the dress code is at Getty’s Middle, but it is something I am capable of researching. If Em isn’t allowed to have “unnatural” color in her hair, then she will not be allowed to have it colored. I hadn’t thought about the damaging effects of the bleach until about a week prior to her DC trip. When I did, I told Em that this was going to be her last color job for the summer so her hair could have time to absorb the shock and we could really take care of it and heal some of the ‘damage’ if possible.

Here’s the funny thing, this little girl is no longer speaking to Emerson after this DC trip. I’ve grilled Em about anything she could have said or done that would be construed as offensive, rude or disrespectful, and she couldn’t think of a thing. She swears she minded her manners, said please and thank you and behaved appropriately. What bothers me in any of this is that Emerson’s feelings are hurt because this little girl is no longer associating with her when, two months ago she spent the night at our home and they started wearing “Best Friend” necklaces.

While I am more than willing to own the possibility that I might be completely wrong, at present I can only assume that Em is getting the cold shoulder because her friend’s mom didn’t approve of Em’s hair or my parenting choice to allow Em to express herself in this manner.

I also don’t care too much about what other people think; what I care about is that Em’s feelings have been hurt.

Some of the other children have asked Emerson about or made comments related to my tattoos: “Don’t you think it’s weird that you mom has all those tattoos?” or “I think it’s weird that your mom has all those tattoos.” Emerson’s response has been “I like my mom’s tattoos.”

It hurts to be judged by parents and children who don’t know me, but I have gotten to the point in my life where my thought is “if people don’t like me or the tattoos on my body, they don’t have to look at them or associate with me.”

As Em and Ella’s mom, I don’t want to be selfish or do anything that makes them uncomfortable. I’ve asked Em and Ella if they would prefer that I cover the tattoos I have when I go to the school. I am more than happy to do this for them. Both of my daughters have said we love you the way you are and we like your tattoos.

It is absurd that either of my daughters should be treated differently or ostracized because of aesthetic choices I have made. I’m sure if I got a breast augmentation or a booty-lift no one would complain about those enhancements. It all goes back to making judgments about people without taking the time to get to know who they are as people on the inside where it counts. Bottom Line: this is the antithesis to treating others with kindness.

And while it might seem that this story is about me, it isn’t really about me at all – it is about the hundreds of other people walking around in our community who might look different that the Smithfield and Middle Creek norm. Being different isn’t bad. It is simply different.

Here is the real kicker and what made the rest of the pettiness I’ve described make perfect sense.

After queries about whether people’s parents were democrats or republicans, whether or not they voted for Obama, one child offered this opinion about illegal immigration according to Em: “we shouldn’t let all these Mexicans in our country because we are paying all their taxes. We should have people in Texas who shoot them when they try to come here.” 

What happened to treating others with kindness? What happened to judge not lest ye be judged? What happened to trying to understand another human being’s plight and trying to help him or her because that is the decent thing to do? We just shoot people because they are different? Marginal others who don’t belong here? Who don’t deserve the opportunity to make better lives for themselves or their families? Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we eradicated everything that was different?

Judgment and hatred start at home and spews into our lunch rooms, work places, gyms and churches. The only cure I know for this is love – to treat one another with the kindness and love with which we would like to be treated. It is as simple as this .... from Romans 12:9-21:

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Indifference

“’George Bernard Shaw once said that our …worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be INDIFFERENT to them.’ Most of us don’t walk around harboring strong negative emotions such as loathing or rage. Yet, the challenge for many is to overcome the apathy and indifference we have toward one another: to be available and attentive to those we pass in the aisles at the market, the coworkers we see daily in the hallways of our offices and those acquaintances we regularly notice in our social and (or) spiritual circles.”

Something to think about … how am I, how are you, how are we treating those people around us? The people we don’t know, and perhaps even worse, the people we do know.

Morning Prayers

God, today is one of those days where I really need your blessings poured down upon me like a torrential rainstorm. God I come to you with open hands and an open heart prepared to receive those blessings, scoop them up and swim in them.

The truth is, really, that I have nothing to complain about.

God, please help me help Eleanor. I love that little girl so much, and I just wish that I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for her. I wish that there could be something about school that she likes. God, I pray that you will help me to better understand and relate to her. I always loved school. Of course, there were things about school I didn’t like. I got picked on and bullied, which was emotionally scarring. But I enjoyed the academic part of school. I liked my binders and my papers and being organized, so I don’t understand her vehement loathing of school. God, you have blessed her with a very intelligent brain; I’m so thankful for this. She has amazing creativity and artistic ability.

God, I am so ready for fourth grade to be over that I can hardly tell You how much I am looking forward to the end of this year and starting fifth grade with a clean slate. Sometimes I get so worn down from the battles with homework and having to go to school. It doesn’t help that there are teachers, like Mrs. ___ , who don’t understand the variety of ways ADHD presents itself and impacts young girls or that there are other children who aren’t always nice to her. I guess I can understand why she doesn’t want to go to school, but life is about doing all sorts of things we don’t want to do and school is one of those things.

God I pray that you will please provide me with the knowledge and the wisdom I need to help Ella work through these difficulties with school, so that she can find happiness and enjoyment in her days, and so that she can be successful, because I know she is more than capable.

God I know that Em isn’t feeling well today. I ask that you will please be with her and help her get through testing this morning until I can leave work to pick her up. I dislike sending her to school when she doesn’t feel well, but she is worried about missing testing and I can’t lose my job because of taking too much sick time.

God I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life. After reading this morning’s devotional which discussed rejoicing in our needs because it draws us closer to You … God I pray that you will help me to do this. I don’t know that I always know how to do this. I know how to ask for things that I need. I know how to worry about things that I need. But I’m not entirely sure that I know how to rejoice in the things that I need. Intellectually I can understand that having a need and praying about that need draws me closer to You, but this week has seemed especially difficult. I find it difficult to rejoice in my need when I feel yucky.

I am fairly certain that I have allergies after my less than extensive research on Google. I’m starting to think that this is not a lingering cold but allergies related to all of the pollen. I have never had allergies before in my life. Growing up in Miami where we had less dramatic seasonal changes, I never had allergies. Apparently we have an extremely high pollen count this spring (God, I don’t really understand how they figure all that out). I went to the Bee Store in Pickens yesterday after friends and co-workers suggested eating a spoon full of local honey every day, but then I read, on WebMD via Google, that the honey remedy doesn’t really work.

The point of all my rambling, God, is that I started out this week in such a positive frame of mind with so many things I wanted to work on, so many things I had intentions of accomplishing, but I have felt so awful that I don’t have the extra energy to do anything beyond going to work every day and coming home to take care of the most minimal of necessities. We’ve had volleyball games on top of that and that eats up huge chunks of time in the evenings, so I feel as though I have gotten nothing accomplished. I feel sluggish and I dislike that feeling immensely.

God, I really need energy and to feel better. I pray that whatever is going on with my sinuses and all this congestion in my head that You will please heal my body so that I can begin feeling like I have some get up and go. I have too much to do to feel yucky.

God, I think I also tend to worry that when things are going well (this is terrible), I worry that when things are going well that something awful must be about to happen because life can’t possibly be going this smoothly for such a consistent period of time. Isn’t that terrible? God, I’m sorry for thinking and feeling this way – for worrying about things that haven’t even happened. God I pray that you will help me learn to relax, for lack of a better word, and to really enjoy the blessings that you have given me and that you continue to give me, without being worried that the other shoe is going to drop.

God, I still have things that need to be worked on – wounded places in my heart that need mending – and I pray that You will help me to do this so that I can thoroughly and completely enjoy this life that You have given me. God, I am truly so thankful and I feel like thanks isn’t even enough to express how grateful I am for everything that You are doing in my life.

God I ask that You will please guide me through this day and make me aware of opportunities where I can serve You, where I can give back, where I can share Your love and blessings with others.

God I thank You so much for my two amazing daughters and I pray that You will help me to be absolutely the best mom I can be for them, so that they always know that they are treasured and valued beyond what they can imagine. God I thank You for treasuring and valuing me in a way that I can’t even comprehend. Thank you for being my guide through this day.

In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.    

 

Ella’s hEARing

On March 13, 2015 she underwent surgery to have a perforation in her ear drum repaired with a cartilage graft from the backside of her ear. We were given an 80% success rate prior to the procedure; Ella had virtually no eardrum left to even work with.

Rewind … The Backstory

I had been nervous about the surgery when we were still in the conversational stages. At nine years old, having to discuss surgery and go through it with Ella would not be as easy as it had been when she got her first set of tubes at 18 months old.

We’ve been going to the same ENT since she had her first set of tubes implanted, but he never had the warm and fuzzy bedside manner I prefer having in a doctor.  I wasn’t too keen on the idea of having him perform this reparation, despite his brilliance as a surgeon, because I knew that in addition to a talented physician, Ella also needed someone who would be sensitive to her feelings. Thankfully, he referred us to one of his partners.

Many prayers had been lifted to God prior to meeting Dr. Rampey and discussing the surgery. In my mind, we were only going in for a consultation and information; I wasn’t sold on the surgery yet. I didn’t want to put Ella through a procedure that wasn’t absolutely necessary.

I’ve been nervous. Not up all night with worry kind of nervous, because through this entire process, Ella has said that her ear is the way it is and she is fine with things. Not only that, but her hearing isn’t impaired such that she is unable or has major difficulty functioning. I’m certain her hearing loss impacts her, but having her hearing completely intact isn’t going to make her like school or make homework any easier (our two greatest challenges).

When we met Dr. Rampey at that initial visit prior to surgery, I liked him the minute he walked into our exam room. I could already discern warmth about him in the way he introduced himself to Ella and then Brian and I and his mannerisms gave me a good feeling in my gut.

He completed his exam of Ella’s ear and said that the graft was basically a necessity if there was any hope of improving her hearing and reducing the chronic ear infections that seem to be normal and routine for my sweet-pea girl. I looked over at Ella and I could read the apprehension and anxiety all over her face.

At some point during the examination, Dr. Rampey had mentioned that his son had recently had to have a tonsillectomy, so I held Ella’s hand and said to her that Dr. Rampey had a little boy and that if his little boy needed to have his eardrum repaired, Dr. Rampey would be recommending the same thing. I reminded her that Mommy, Daddy A and Daddy B, Grandma and Em would be there the whole time.

Then I said to her, “even better than all that, Ella B., is that God is here, He loves you and He is going to take care of you during this surgery.” After the words left my mouth, Dr. Rampey asked if we would like him to pray with us. My eyes immediately filled with tears of awe and joy knowing, in that very moment, that God had answered my prayers and that He had brought Ella to Dr. Rampey and I knew He was telling me that He had his hands all over this surgery. Dr. Rampey put his hand on Ella’s arm. I held her other hand and Dr. Rampey prayed for Ella, our family and for God’s guiding hands over the surgery.

Sappy, sentimental me was still crying as we offered our thanks and said our good-byes to the doctor. While we were in the check-out area, I crouched down in front of Ella so I could look into her beautiful brown eyes. I explained to her that I was not crying because I was sad or scared because after this appointment, I was neither sad nor scared. I told her that I had been nervous and praying about this appointment and that God answered my prayers in that one amazing instant.

As soon as Dr. Rampey offered to pray with us and put his hand on my child’s arm, I knew that God had placed us in the best hands. I told Ella that this was God’s way of assuring me that He was watching over all of us and that He was going to take care of her during the surgery.

More Prayers Answered

This afternoon Ella had her post-op appointment with Dr. Rampey.

The graft took and there is no longer a hole in Ella’s ear drum.

Once Dr. Rampey removed the packing, he could see inside her ear clearly. He “pumped” air in her ear and the ear drum moved. This is GREAT because it has to vibrate for hearing. He did a brief test with two pitch forks and she could hear the tones emanating from the metal wands both in front and behind her ear.

He believes that the eardrum will continue to heal with time, so Dr. Rampey scheduled a hearing test and follow-up appointment in four months. In the meantime, Ella is free and cleared to swim her heart out this summer!

God brought Dr. Rampey into our lives and the surgery was executed without a hitch. Ella did well under the anesthesia and made it through the procedure safe and sound. Her healing and recovery went smoothly. The end result was a success: her eardrum is repaired.

Thank you seems such an inadequate response to God’s blessings in our lives, but it is all this human has.

“….for I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26

Good Morning, God and Happy Monday! I don’t even know that you measure time in the same way. Kind of an interesting thought. Thank you for today and for the fresh start of another new week.

Lord, when I was reading my devotional this morning, the opening lines said that we should come to You with open hands and an open heart to receive Your blessings. As I start this new week, I am coming to You with my hands open, my heart open and with my mind open. I ask not only for Your blessings, but also for your guidance. I pray that as I continue in my walk with You, that You will draw me closer to You.

Lord, as I am helping show C. the ropes, I pray that You will use me to help her see how special the job is that she’s doing. I pray that somehow I can pass along some wisdom or insight that I have learned along the way – something that You’ve taught me that will be beneficial to both her and the families she will be serving.

Lord, I ask that you will continue to guide me professionally. I’m still feeling a little uncertain about work and what’s what going to be going on there. I’m thrilled to be able to be with my team until June. There is a lot of comfort for me in having the change be more gradual. I’m not taking any new cases and I’m not really certain what I’m supposed to be doing; however, Lord, in whatever capacity I’m in until I move into the new position, I pray that you will use wherever you need me. I pray that you will continue to guide and direct me, that You will make me mindful of You, and that You will help me keep my focus on You so that I can hear when You speak to me, see when You are pointing in one direction or another, or so I simply feel and know in my gut that “this” (whatever “this” might be) is what You want me to do.

Lord, I ask that You will please be with us today when we go to Ella’s doctor’s appointment. I can’t really tell if there has been a significant change in her hearing since her surgery. I’m hoping that today Dr. Rampey will be able to give us more information. Lord, I pray that the graft took and that the perforation in her eardrum is healing.  I don’t know if her hearing will ever be restored 100%. I simply ask that You will please be with us and with Ella.

Lord, I have no idea what you have planned for her life. She is such a sensitive and special little girl. She’s had a lot of obstacles to overcome and we still have a lot of hurtles to jump, but I feel like the adversities she deals with now are preparing her for whatever You have planned for her future life. Lord, I pray that this surgery was successful so that Ella doesn’t have to undergo another one. I know that the process for Ella was scary – the anticipation of it all was hard. I am so thankful that You brought her through surgery safely, and that she is healthy - without negative consequences or side effects. I pray that her hearing will continue to improve and that You will continue to watch over and bless her. And the same with Emerson, Lord. I don’t know what Your plans are for my girls, but I ask that You will please watch over them and bless them. I pray that You will help me to be an example for them and that as we are going to church and making time at night to pray with You, that You will use these opportunities to help Em and Ella start developing a stronger foundation for a relationship with You.

Lord, it is so important for me that they find You in their lives and that they understand what it means to have a personal relationship with You. I want that so badly for them, and I feel like I have let them down in not being more assertive about going to church when Brian and I were married and then when it was my responsibility alone. I feel like I have let them down in not instilling the value of church, a church home, prayer and communion with You when they were younger.

As always, I ask that You will please be with M. I pray that You will continue to work in his life and that if it is Your will, there will be an opportunity for us to be able to talk and that there will be an opportunity for healing. I lift this up to You.

Lord, there is nothing else I can ask for. I feel so blessed by the relationship that I continue to develop with You. I feel blessed to be alive. I love my family. I love my life. I love my job.

Lord, You know how badly I want to have love in my life. How badly I want to have someone to share this journey with. God I simply have to pray that if and when it is Your will that You will put that person in my life; and God if it isn’t, if I am meant to be alone, I ask that You will please help me to make peace with this and that being alone won’t bother me.

Lord, thank You for all of the blessings in my life. Help me to remain open to You today and every day this week. Help me keep my focus on You.

In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

Prayer for Financial Blessings

God, I thank you for today and I thank You for another opportunity to grow in my faith and my relationship with You. I’m thankful for the sermon that we had at church last Sunday about tithing. God, I seek your forgiveness for not tithing the way I should’ve been and for not being a good steward of my money – especially in light of the enormous help You have given me over the last few years. Not only have You saved me from drowning in a sea of debt, You have also lifted me onto a life raft and are helping me keep our family finances afloat.

Now that we might possibly have a church home, or at the very least have a church we are enjoying attending, God I feel like there is a place where I can give back to You a portion of the income blessing You have given me. I pray that You will receive my tithe as an act of faith, an effort to put You first in this area of my life, and as a small gesture of thanksgiving for everything You do for me.  

As You know Lord, I’m still not out of the woods financially. I still have a significant amount of debt I’m diligently working toward paying down in addition to our monthly living expenses.  You are also aware that we have a few needs that we haven’t been able to meet yet because there hasn’t been enough financial surplus to cover the overall costs. Em and Ella need to have the window replaced in their bedroom, but this is going to require some extra construction to repair the damage around the window and frame. I’m sure there are other windows that need to be replaced as well. The entire front porch railing has been devoured by carpenter bees.

There is a crack in the pump that operates the pool, bamboo growing up through the brand new liner I had to replace in May 2014, and, at present, the pool looks like some primordial swamp from horror-sci-fi film. I realize the pool is a luxury, but it has been a main staple for Em and Ella every summer for as long as they can remember. Without your help, God, there is no way I am going to be able to afford to repair and maintain the pool. I have to find child care for the summer, and last year was so costly that I dread what is just around the corner. We still have an orange tarp hanging over the portion of broken wooden fence around the back yard where our neighbor’s trees fell and obliterated four or five boards.

God, while I know it is not a necessity, I would also love to be able to do some fun stuff with the girls this summer. I’m not looking for anything extravagant, but I would like us to be able to take a short trip to Helen, GA or the beach so we can spend some quality time together, away from everyday life, and make memories that Em and Ella will be able to treasure when they are adults. You also know how important it is for me that the girls have time with Mom, and that my mom can relax and have time with us, because she isn’t going to be here forever.

Lord, I pray that as I begin tithing in accordance with your scriptural teachings, that You will help me to see clearly the ways You choose to bless the monies left over, so that I can record them. Lord, I am so inspired and overwhelmed by the awesome ways you have been and are continuing to work in my life. I want so much to be able to share that with others who maybe need hope or maybe are lacking in faith. God, this writing project is for You and about You. I can’t write it without You. Lord, if this is truly Your Will and You are motivating me to draft these vignettes, that You will continue to supply me with the words, the ideas, and the experiences I need as fodder for my passion and creation, so that I may be able to share the way that You are working in my life and the way You could, would, might work in someone else’s life if they ask.  Amen.

Financial Blessings and Giving Back

Finances are an area in my life where I understand struggle. There are three sides to every story – two perceptions and one truth. I’m certain my ex-husband would disagree with my perspective, and I’m okay with that. I’m also not writing about this as a means of bashing him; I simply need to be able to share my history because without it is difficult to make sense of the present or the future.

Preface written, let me say again that I understand financial problems. When Brian and I separated four years ago, I found myself drowning in debt – mortgage, a line of equity on the house, student loans, credit cards, medical bills – the list went on and on and on and on. There was a time when I didn’t want to go to the mailbox or answer the phone because it was easier to stick my head in the sand like an ostrich then deal with the creditors hunting me down for money I simply didn’t have.  I would never take my own life, but there were times when I knew that I was financially worth more dead than I was alive: my daughters would have inherited more life insurance than I could earn or keep in the bank to pay bills.

Those were extremely difficult and stressful days that I hope we never have to relive. My mom has been instrumental in making sure that my daughters and I have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our bellies. We live in her home, and after my divorce, my mom and I merged our banking accounts. Despite having a full time job that I love, there is no way I could support Em, Ella and myself on my salary alone. Even with child support, my debt to income ratio is not do-able.

Our financial circumstances have greatly improved over the last four years. There is still debt, but I don’t live in a constant state of stress, sick with worry about how or if we were going to make it. I know that God is the reason we are in better financial standings; He is the reason we have everything we do. He is the reason we have a home and transportation to work and school; He is the reason we have clothing; He is the reason that Em, Ella and I have the luxury of having a mani-pedi afternoon together; He is the reason I can pay bills, make payments on the debt, and still have a little left over to start building some savings.

Growing up in church, I was taught to and thought I had a pretty good grasp on the concept of tithing. I remember watching my mom sit down every Sunday morning to write out her check and put it in that week’s offering envelope before we went to church. When I was a child, someone always made sure I had a dollar to put in the offering plate as it was passed around the congregation during Sunday worship.

Despite all of my (our) financial blessings, I have not tithed with any sort of consistency – mainly because we haven’t had a church home we attended with any regularity. While I have given back financially, in the small amounts I am able, I know it isn’t the same thing as giving a monthly tithe.

Last Sunday at Mt. Airy, the pastor did a fantastic sermon on what it means to tithe. Money is a difficult thing to talk about in church, or anywhere else for that matter, and there are a lot of people who are skeptical about handing their hard-earned money to a church or religious institution. Unfortunately, even in churches, there are dishonest people who take money and use it in ways other than those God intended.

The scriptural basis for the pastor’s sermon came from Malachi – a book of the Bible with which I admit to not being terrible familiar. I looked it up so I could share it here. This passage comes from Malachi 3:6-10:

 “I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty.

“But you ask, ‘How are we to return?’

 “Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me.

“But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’

“In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—your whole nation—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty.

The pastor explained the difference between giving and tithing in a way that made sense to me. He said that tithing is returning to God what God has given to us, which is why a tithe is supposed to be 10% of an individual’s earnings. An offering or giving is just that – it is the extra financial donations people give to God and their church.

I have a job and a salary because God blessed me with those things. Yes, I went to school and earned a couple of degrees. And I am writing checks every month to pay off my student loan debt. I have gone on job interviews, worked, and built a resume that makes me desirable in my profession (I hope). I completed the application paperwork for my LPC and I am putting in the client and supervision hours to earn my license. However, I firmly believe it is God who provided all of these opportunities along the way to get me to where I am currently – in a job I love where I am helping others.

“You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth.” Deuteronomy 8:17-18

Tithing isn’t as much about the money as it is an act of faith and gratitude. By tithing a mere 10% of my salary, I am giving back to God, first and foremost, what He has given to me and my daughters. Our pastor described tithing as “giving God your first and best and allowing God to bless the rest.” Whatever it is on our lives we want God to bless, he said, we have to put God first.

After the sermon, I went home and pulled out the spiral notebook that I use as my checking account register. [Side Note: Yes. I am the last dinosaur on the planet who writes checks because I enjoy the illusion of controlling where my money goes and when it leaves my banking account. Direct deposit is a fantastic banking service. Automatic withdrawals don’t work for me. Not only am I ‘old-fashioned’ that way, but in learning how to regain control of my finances after the divorce, it was very helpful for me to do things ‘old skool’ and actually write things down in a notebook, do the math myself, and truly see where my money was going. I like my notebook, pencil and calculator and refuse to apologize for who I am. I think it is part of what makes me charming and endearing.]  I thumbed through the month of March and wrote down my work deposits in one column and mom’s work deposits in another. I added up our individual earnings for the month and took 10% from each amount to figure what my tithe and her tithe should be each month.

Endeavoring to put God first in everything that I do, my plan is to begin giving my tithe back to God every week. I see this gesture as an act of thanksgiving for all of the blessings in my life, and I also have faith and believe that God will bless the remainder of my money. This is my prayer.  

Backseat Driver

My commute to work every morning is approximately a 10 mile drive (great thing to keep in mind when I start training for my next half-marathon).
 

Getting Em and Ella ready for school in the morning, sometimes side-stepping my mother’s anxiety because she might be five minutes late for a job she arrives an hour early for every morning, can be stressful and chaotic to say the least.


After we’ve made it through the car line drop-off-loop at Forest Acres and I know my girls are safely tucked away at school, I make my way to work. Over the years I suppose I have adopted a portion of my mom’s incredible work ethic, so I also I also like to arrive early and get caught up on paperwork or tying up loose ends from the previous work day, before my new work day begins.


Several months ago, without even giving it much thought, I developed a routine where I turn off the car radio after the girls exit my car and the adorable little safety patrol tells me to have a great day while closing my door. As soon as that door shuts, a stillness and silence permeate every inch of my car, like the swirling smoke of an incense stick would create a cloud in the air. There is an immediate sense of peace, and I instinctively began to utilize the quiet of my morning commute to pray and talk with God.


My prayers to God have always been conversational in nature because I don’t think I have to be pretentious when I pray. Reverent and respectful, yes; however, I believe that I can simply and plainly talk to God as if He were sitting right beside me in the passenger seat. 


Thus the idea for this new writing project was born.


Prayer is incredibly powerful. In my life, I’ve seen my own prayers answered. I have witnessed God do some amazing things in my life at times when I felt the most hopeless. I began to think about how neat it might be to document a year in my prayer life so that I had written evidence, if you will, of the way God is working in my life and the way He might work in the lives of others who simply ask him to do so.


The term “Back Seat Driver” typically has a negative connotation.  

When I Googled the term I found the following definitions and examples:
Back Seat Driver: A passenger who gives unwanted and (or) unneeded directions to the driver; also, a person who interferes in affairs without having knowledge, responsibility, or authority for doing so. For example, Aunt Mary drives us all crazy with her instructions; she's an incurable back seat driver. This term originated in the United States in the 1920s, when it was first used for a passenger legitimately directing a chauffeur, and it was quickly transferred to figurative use.


As a figure of speech, a Back Seat Driver is an annoying passenger who tells the driver how to drive; someone who tells others how to do things. For example: “I don't need any backseat driver on this project. Stop pestering me with all your advice. Nobody likes a backseat driver!”


As a title for this project, I originally considered the term back seat driver as a reference to God – minus all the negative connotations. Let me make this clear, I was not thinking about God as an annoying or nagging passenger giving unwanted or unneeded direction in my life. Instead, I was thinking of God as the back seat driver helping me, the driver, to navigate my life in a way that make sense and was clear – a way that kept my on His path and following his plan for my life. The reality is that on earth, I am a human being and the vessel through which God works when I allow Him to do so. While I am perfectly made by God, I am certainly not perfect. I am human and I am flawed.


The more I thought about developing a thematic title, this truth clicked in my brain like a light switch being turned on: I am often the back seat driver in my life. I continually ask God to guide and direct my life. I desire, and am practicing and learning, to let go and let God. But there are so many times when I am the annoying back seat driver who questions God’s directions and suggests alternate routes that fit my idea of the way things should be or the way I want things to go. I am the one who causes the accident because I think I know which way is best, which route is the most direct to get to whatever goal I have in sight to accomplish.


What I have found, time after time, is that when I try to take over and be in control, things do not work out for the best. It is when I allow God to be the architect of my life – when I pray for His guidance and allow him to build from His blueprints – He creates something beautiful and majestic – something that exceeds my expectations. When I allow Him to do so, God showers me with blessings that surpass the greatest ideas I can dream up in my limited human mind.


Part of my practice in growing closer to God is studying the Bible and reading devotionals. I’ve always been a great researcher and when I want to learn more about any subject, my initial response is to hit the books. I read a variety of devotionals, but one of my favorites is “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. As I was working on this particular entry, I took a quick break and read my daily devotional, which corresponding exactly to the point I am trying to make here: “Walk with Me in holy trust, responding to My initiatives rather than trying to make things fit your plans. I died to set you free, and that includes freedom from compulsive planning. When your mind spins with a multitude of thoughts, you cannot hear My voice. A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control. Listen to Me and live abundantly.”


I am setting out on a journey, learning to allow God to be driver, the author and illustrator of the plan and map for my life and the lives of my daughters. I want to practice giving up control and always having to be a back seat driver. Please pray for me along the way.